This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
