When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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