do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
