Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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