i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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