What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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