i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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