Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
