how hairy? two words: wookie tits
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
