We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize