Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Semen is not good for contacts.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
