I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
