Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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