Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
