Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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