it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
