According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
