Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
time to smoke my breakfast
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
