My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize