a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
