if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize