Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
