I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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