I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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