Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
