Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize