i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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