i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Swine flu is the new snow day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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