i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
