New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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