i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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