youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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