beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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