im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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