My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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