my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
