if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
