I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
