Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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