Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize