I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
