TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
