Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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