a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
