I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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