I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
