I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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