why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
