I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
