This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
