I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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