I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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