she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Randomize
