what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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