No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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