She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
