Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
