Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
