I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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